In considering the diamond heart diagram and reflecting on the "Reaching Essence" Insight, I realize that I gave too little attention to the outer circle, which is also important to keep in mind when undertaking the journey to essence. The personality we create to deal with the external world contains elements of some of our finer qualities, but by and large it is a construct designed more to hide the inner circle and to feel accepted by others than a reflection of divine nature.
People vary in the degree to which they are able to keep the inner circle from appearing. Everyone has "buttons" that, when pushed, bring forth some of the darkness. Dramatic examples of that can be seen on the sensational daytime talk shows. You can also see that, while rage may be so dominant that people can't keep it in, they are rarely addressing the true, original source of anger, which is why the rage keeps erupting inappropriately.
People with serious substance abuse problems also lose control over the outer circle. In my experience they are generally far more sensitive than the average person and carry great pain. Whatever the substance of choice, it serves to numb the pain and also interferes with control over the presentation of self that the outer circle tries to maintain. My late aunt, who had a serious alcohol problem, was an example. She had great concerns about how she appeared to others and played a prominent social role. She thus had one personality that was extraordinarily charming and vivacious and adept at the social graces. She also carried a lot of rage that was regularly directed at those closest to her and, when she had had too much to drink, the mask of affability disappeared and a nasty, vindictive personality took over. As she grew older and the alcoholism grew worse, the ability to hold together the outer circle deteriorated and more and more her behavior was out of control. Her need, however, to see herself as the charming and capable career woman/socialite never diminished and thus she could not let herself acknowledge that she ever lapsed into dark behaviors. The level of denial she maintained was mind boggling to behold. But not surprising given the ego's need to maintain the illusion of a positive, socially acceptable image.
The ego's need to hide the dark side and its need to maintain the outward show of "proper" behavior go hand in hand. The tiny child that the ego tried so hard to protect needed to find ways to receive the care and attention necessary for survival. The ego quickly figured out which behaviors brought punishments and threats and which behaviors were greeted with positive attention or rewards. People vary as to the degree to which they are able to control the dark behaviors. But most people develop some capacity to exist in "normal" society in a way that allows them to take part in ordinary social and business interactions.
When someone commits a crime and all the neighbors express their disbelief that that person could possibly have done such a thing, it is an indication of how well the perpetrator maintained the outer circle and how great the problems of the inner circle. Most people don't want to admit to the existence of their own dark side and thus are prepared to accept the outer appearances of others as being the true person. So great is the need many people have to believe in one mode of behavior as defining personality that often another person need only exhibit one bad behavior to go from being considered a nice person to a bad one -- "now I know who she really is." In fact neither the outer personality nor the dark inner circle represents either the totality of the person or their true nature. Everyone has darkness inside. What varies most greatly is how well a given person can control the outer circle so that the inner is never or seldom seen. I think the thing that distinguishes people who wind up committing violent acts is the degree to which either madness or inability to maintain control of the outer personality is present.
What is really damaging is the refusal to acknowledge the dark side, not only to the individual but for the collective consciousness as well. Everyone has the capacity to commit violence or be hateful but some people have a better ability to control the appearance of those behaviors in the external world. While most of us have a tendency to feel smug about that, it actually is not a particularly good thing as long as it involves repression and denial of feelings and memories that need to be faced and addressed.*
Because the outer personality structure that the ego develops is not really based on essence, the pathway to the diamond at the center also includes the need to be willing to let go of the outer circle. As noted in "Reaching Essence", deep exploration into the inner circle often includes a breakdown of the ability to control the functioning of the outer circle. I think it is one of the main reasons that people fear dancing with the shadow. While wallowing in dark issues and emotions, the outer circle loses the rigid control we are accustomed to maintaining and pride suffers because of the perceived loss of "image."
Pride plays a large role in the need to keep the image of coping well. No one wants to feel that others perceive them as crazy or incapable of behaving appropriately. In part that is because most of us have a deep need to feel that we are part of a group or a culture -- the tribe. Living in a society as judgmental as ours, that creates pressure to exhibit behaviors we feel others will approve. In part, most of us have some degree of pride about the appearance we present. Pride, of course, is also a function of ego.
After my own dark passages, I can appreciate the fear of loss of image and the blow to pride that may result. In hindsight, I occasionally experience moments of feeling ashamed or humiliated at the many moments when the serene and well-functioning demeanor I am normally able to project fell away and was replaced by a petulant or tantrum-ing or hysterical child, demanding attention and an unreasonable degree of care. I am sorry about those who were negatively impacted and at the same time grateful beyond measure both for the many friends who staunchly stood by me and helped to talk me through the darkest moments and for the growth and transformation that have resulted. I am gaining an authority, both within and without, that comes from an inner place instead of a need to control or to prove what I can do.
Some years ago, the woman who facilitated my Fisher Hoffman group told me that I needed to lose control and be able to be bad. Intellectually I could understand her but I also couldn't let go enough to do it -- not that I never acted up, but it was more like a spontaneous eruption and never a result of letting down defenses. Having finally spent a period of time in a place where holding artifice in place was not possible at times, it is easy to see the need to allow the mask to slip in order to move through the inner circle and reach the diamond. That carefully constructed outer personality is just as much a barrier to reaching essence as the darker personality it covers. You need to be able to see its nature and realize that you don't actually have to work so hard at maintaining that facade because your diamond heart is full of lovingkindness.
As I observe the many ways in which a more true and authentic version of me is now coming forth into the world I also understand that the only way to reach the diamond is to go through both of the circles that surround it. It is not that all darkness or issues disappear nor that aspects of the outer personality will not be present. There are useful aspects of both. And many of the socially polite behaviors and mannerisms of the outer circle reflect the behaviors of the open heart. But while at the outer circle level those behaviors are often exhibited without true heartfulness or just because you're supposed to, the open heart is naturally gracious and considerate with no need to put on a show of politeness.
Ultimately it is an integration of all the parts that creates wholeness. Detachment, I feel, is really about the ability to let go of both of the outer circles. Letting go does not mean jettisoning. It means giving up control, the willful insistence upon ignoring the diamond and the willful determination to hold in place the outer circles. Upon letting go, you will still be you and essence will need many aspects of your personality in order to function in a body. But when essence is the primary mode in which you exist, you are able to live your life's purpose and to flow in tune with the Divine.
